Female Led Relationships

  • A Woman's Guide To  A Female Led Relationship

     Victoria West

    Copyright © 2016 Victoria West PTPllc All rights reserved.


    Table of Contents

    1. How I Became A Dominant Woman
    2. Who Is This Book Intended For?
    3. How I Got Involved
    4. What is a Female Lead Relationship?
    5. Does This Make You a Dominatrix?
    6. What is Financial Femdom
    7. What A Female Led Relationship is NOT
    8. What' s In It for You?
    9. Are You Dominant?
    10. Common Traits of a Dominant Woman
    11. Common Traits of a Submissive Male
    12. Your Needs Should Be Put First
    13. Protocol
    14. Punishments and Rewards
    15. What Is Sub Space?
    16. Likes, Dislikes and Hard Limits
    17. Safe Words
    18. What is Erotic Power?
    19. Who You're Going to Meet
    20. Conclusion


    How I Became A Dominant Woman

    First and fore-most I want to start off by saying I don't hate men. I don't believe in abusing a man or using him just because he's a man. I have been involved as a dominant woman in a Female Led Relationships for over ten years.

    I not now nor have I ever been a professional dominatrix or phone sex operator. This is not about money for me, it's about safe sane and consensual play between two consenting adults.

    I am not a feminist and this is not written from any type of political standpoint. While I do strong-heartedly believe in equal rights for women a Female Led Relationship is not the means to seeking and obtaining equal rights for women.


    I am not a female supremacist. I do not in any way shape or form believe in enslaving men as a whole nor do I believe that men are objects who are inferior to women.


    I am not a psychologist, social worker or any type of counselor. I do not have a degree or a doctorate in any type of sexual, social or psychological studies. This books is written from my experiences as a woman and a dominant female and nothing else. If you are looking for advice from a licensed and certified psychiatrist/psychologist or counselor, please put my book down and seek the assistance of a professional.


    Becoming a dominant woman didn't come naturally. It took a long time to reprogram myself and realize that I didn't have to be the way society said women had to be. I am writing this book specifically for women so I can inform them that there is an alternative way to embark in a relationship with a man. Not any man but a submissive man. A Female Led Relationship with a submissive man will open your eyes to a whole new way of enhancing your love life and make it easier and more fulfilling.


    I grew up in the Midwest in the traditional Patriarchal household. I am the oldest of two. Dad worked in Advertising sales for a local newspaper and my mother for the first 28 years of their marriage was the traditional stay at home house-wife, mother and basic stay at home mom.


    Dad was handsome, charismatic and outgoing when he had to be but he was not domineering. He was very good at sales and he made a decent salary as one of the newspapers top salesmen.

    So, Mom didn't have to work.


    Both of my parents were raised that boys should be boys and girls should be girls. The traditional stereo types were upheld for both my brother and I. Boys wore blue and girls wore pink. I played with Barbie Dolls and my brother played with army men and Tonka


    Trucks. I would sit inside and play and he was always outside playing in the mud. He was always getting dirty and I had to stay clean.


    My mother was always well dressed. She wore mostly pastels, sweaters, skirts and the occasional pant suit. Dad wore the traditional suit and tied to work and wore blue jeans and flannel shirt while working in the yard or on the car every weekend while mom and I went grocery shopping.


    It would break my heart when my parents would get in a fight. Nothing physical but most of the arguments ended with my mom crying her eyes out. Dad always had the last word and made sure he put her in her place. Especially when it came to finances or how to raise me and my brother. Mom tried to stand up for herself and for me but she rarely could change my father's mind.


    I was raised to speak softly, be confident but don't make a fuss. Never speak out against authority and mind my manners. My brother was always speaking up and having tantrums. He got punished every now and then but dad seemed to always let him have his way.  He seemed to get his way especially when he whined and complained. It was so frustrating.


    All through high school and college I subconsciously gravitated towards men who were similar to my father. They told me how to dress, made the choices on where we went on our dates and they always initiated sex.


    In my first and only marriage I was miserable. I married a man who very much like my father but I believe he was worse. He had me do the cooking and all the cleaning. I dressed conservatively while in public because as he said, "He didn't want other men checking me out." Behind closed doors, especially in the bedroom I had to wear sexy outfits for him. Heels, satin teddies and panties.

    He bought the outfits and I wore them. I thought I looked awful and cheap in them and I felt humiliated. It was like I was his whore in the bedroom and I had to do whatever he told me to do.

    Having to put my mouth on his penis was so disgusting. I swore once I got divorced that I would never service another man orally again. It's as if men feel that our sole purpose in life is to gratify them with our mouths.


    We both agreed that we didn't want to have any more children. So, at my husband's insistence, I had my tubes tied after our second child. He wanted it that way so we could have sex without him having to wear a rubber.


    I will never forget the day I decided to get divorced. It was a Friday and my husband called and said he would be late. He said that he was going out with the guys from work for a few drinks and he wasn't sure how late he'd be but he was pretty sure it would be


    late so I could go ahead and make myself some dinner but he told me not to wait up.


    So, that night I went to bed around 11pm. At around 2am he comes stumbling in the house and makes a bee-line for our bedroom and sits on the edge of the bed. I woke up and asked him how his night out was. He said it was ok but he was really horny.


    He reeked of body odor, booze and cigars. He and his buddies always smoked cigars when they got together and tonight was no different. I told him it was too late to fool around and told him to come to bed and get some sleep but he wasn't about to listen to that. He stood up, got completely undressed and got under the covers. I was mortified as he leaned over me and started to kiss me on the neck. He proceeded to get on top of me and tried to kiss me but I turned my head away. I could feel that he was aroused and his penis was oozing with pre-cum and pressing into my stomach.


    He basically raped me and forced my legs apart, stuck it inside of me and climaxed within 30 seconds of entering me. Then he passed out. My husband was 6'4" and 285 pounds. All 285 pounds of dead weight just laying on top of me. He was so heavy that I couldn't breathe so, I punched him in the side of his head five or six times to get him to come back to his senses and roll off of me. The next day he didn't remember any of it. I asked him how he got that huge bruise on his temple and he said he had no idea.


    When I filed for divorce he cried like a baby. Literally started sobbing at our kitchen table. He was just like my little brother and started to have a tantrum. All he could talk about was how much he loved me and how he couldn't live without me. Then he got serious when he realized he was going to have to pay me alimony and child support. All he could ask over and over was, "How am I going to afford to support both of us at the same time?"


    It was a few years after my divorce before I started even thinking of dating anyone. Just the thought of it made me feel queasy.  Men all seem to have one thing on their mind, sex and it was so obvious when I was dating hat every guy I dated had a predetermined pathway to get me into bed.  I always had to pretend to be excited or be flattered that they were taking me to a nice restaurant and a movie. It was pretty pathetic when I think about it now. So, I was in no hurry to put on the facade again just to lay on my back with my legs spread pretending to be in the thralls of ecstasy only to never hear from him again.


    The world of Female Domination was introduced to me after my divorce by a gentleman that I worked with. However, the conversion from being a traditional American "submissive" woman to becoming a dominant female and then evolving into a female supremacist took place over several years.


    Once I had embraced my new lifestyle if made me look at relationships with men in a


    completely different light. Once I became a dominant female I was amazed how easy it was to control a man especially when you were with a man who was openly submissive and willing to be shaped and molded into anything you wanted him to be. I mean within reason of course. If someone I was dating didn't have a talent for, let's say, being musician I wasn't about to try to make him a musician just because I wanted him to be a musician. Most of my "shaping" related to domestic and sexual servitude. Much of my training revolved around re-conditioning how he treated me and women in general.


    Who Is This Book Intended For?


    Let's face it ladies we could look cross-eyed at most men and they will climax right there in their pants without us even touching them. Am I wrong? The average guy will reach climax in 30 seconds and leave us lying there in the dark wondering how much more of this monotonous and often time horrible sex we can endure while he snores his way into dreamland.


    So, I am writing this book for the woman is tired of being forgotten and disregarded. The woman for once wants to be the one in control. Someone who is interested in being in a Female Led Relationship. I am writing for the women who is at her wits end and is tired of the same old thing with the same men. She is tired of being an object in her relationship. She is tired of not getting satisfied in bed. She is tired of "sleeping on the wet spot" while her lover rolls over and falls asleep. She is tired of being overlooked and taken for granted. This is not a book of erotic titillating stories. While in later chapters I will give you a variety of ideas to take "erotic control" of your partner, my

    primary purpose is to give you a realistic illustration as to what to expect and think about when you are in a relationship like this.


    We have all dated that guy who wanted sex all the time and was really kinky in the bedroom. The kind of guy that wants to do it in the back yard while you're wearing a red satin teddy or a guy who wants to watch while you are pleasuring yourself with your magic vibrating egg. But a Female Led Relationship is more than just kinky sex. It's actually a very small part of it. It is first and foremost a relationship between two consenting adults. It isn't just one or two steamy and kinky moments of passion. It's a way of living. It's a lifestyle.


    One thing to keep in mind is that your traditional man is not submissive. Most men are raised from a very young age to be the aggressors and to look at women as objects that are to be possessed and owned. If you are in a relationship with such a man, the chances of you dominating him are slim to none. I wouldn't even approach the topic unless he  has given you some indication that he is interested in it. I have met women who have tried and in one instance her boyfriend became physically violent with her. It led to them breaking up which was a good thing but it was a serious price to pay on her mentally and physically.


    The stories you read in pornography or see in adult videos where a strong woman breaks her masculine macho boyfriend and makes him wear a maid outfit while he does the house cleaning, laundry and service her orally is designed to sell pornography. It's not realistic or in most cases not even possible.



    In a Female Led Relationship, which I will refer to as FLR from this point forward, the woman and the man have openly agreed that she is in charge. The primary purpose is to make the woman's life easier and more fulfilling. The man yields to her in most of the decision making. Any mundane task that the woman does not wish to do the man will inherit. This will give the woman in the relationship more leisure time and reduce stress in her life. If agreed upon the woman is put first in the bedroom every time and it's the man's focus to make sure she is satisfied to completion. If this is accomplished the women decides if and how she is to pleas the man.


    I know what you're thinking, "If it's less stressful for you as a woman, then it's going to make the man's life more stressful." No, not necessarily. Keep in mind, when you meet a man who is into this as a lifestyle he gets tremendous satisfaction from serving you.

    Many of these men get aroused while serving and stay perpetually in a state of arousal. Some will get excited when you begin to give them orders or give them their "honey-do" list. So, it's very satisfying for the man to have additional work added to his life.


    Keep in mind that many submissive men have been seeking a dominant woman for years and years. One gentleman described it to me as being similar to "searching for a Bigfoot". So, when you meet a man who has been on this quest to find a dominant woman he will be immediately grateful and more than willing to serve. He has been on a long journey through a desert landscape of vanilla women and you will become his pool of fresh water in a tropical oasis.


    The reason many submissive men are on this long journey with little or no results in finding a dominant woman is because as I mentioned earlier most women are raised as children to be submissive. A second reason is men approach it from a sexual perspective which drives a lot of women away. Any time a man brings up the topic of sex especially early in the relations hip we all automatically jump to the conclusion that he is after one thing and only one thing. When you're dominant and with a submissive man that "one thing" will be your power over him. It can and will be used to get whatever you want whenever you want.


    How I Got Involved

    One of my male co-workers who I had worked with for several years was extremely chivalrous towards me. He was very friendly and polite but he wasn't wimpy. He was very masculine with a decent build. He wasn't exactly an Adonis with chiseled good looks but he was a nice-looking man who made me feel special. He would be passing by my cubical and seemingly just happen to notice my coffee cup was empty and bring me  a refill. Yes, I did find it odd at first. But it became a joke between us that he was my coffee boy. I just laughed it off. I thought he just had a crush on me or that he was genuinely nice guy. But I noticed that he didn't treat the other women in the office in the same way. He was cordial with them but not overtly friendly. He bent over backwards for me.


    We weren't strangers. I had worked beside him for several years and over time we had gotten to know one another in a basic way. I knew where he went to college, how big his family was, where he grew up and that he loved dogs, cats and that he played blues guitar.


    One day he asked me out to dinner which did not surprise me. I was comfortable around him in the office and attracted to him so I accepted his offer. We dated for a few weeks and he still hadn't attempted to get me into bed. We had kissed goodnight and cuddled a bit but he never made any sort of advance towards me. On our third or fourth date, I confronted him about his demeanor towards me in the office and his lack of interest in sex while we had been dating.


    He was extremely uncomfortable as he explained himself to me. He wouldn't look me in the eye as he explained his lifestyle as a submissive. It's not like I had been living under a rock. I had heard of S/M but I thought it was just some outer fringe group of people, predominantly gay men wearing black leather chaps bullwhipping each other behind closed doors. Seriously, that's what I thought it was.


    When I told him that I had hear of this lifestyle but never experienced it you could see the disappointment in his eyes. It was cute but sad at the same time. It was as if I had just told him his puppy died.  He was so embarrassed and kept apologizing for bringing up the topic. He was convinced that I thought he was a freak and asked me to give him a chance. I assured him I was not shocked and did not think less of him and I wanted to keep seeing him. I explained that I was intrigued but we would have to get to know each other before I agreed to dominating him. Our relationship lasted for two years.

    It gradually evolved into a female led relationship where I pretty much ran the show. I didn't wear the pants but I called most of the shots.


    What is a Female Lead Relationship?

    Put whatever you have seen in the movies, on the net or in some adult magazine out of your mind. Just mentally throw it away. As in any relationship, communication, trust, patience and understanding are a vital component.


    First and foremost, it's a relationship between two consenting adults based on trust and communication. Yes, trust and communication. Trust is imperative especially for the submissive because he is sacrificing himself for you and to you. He is basically handing himself to you and saying allow me to serve you. Do with me as you please.

    Communication is vital because each of you needs to know your likes, dislikes, hard limits and hopes. It will help determine if you are a good fit for one another.


    In its basic form a FLR is a relationship where the woman makes and enforces the rules of the relationship. She wields erotic power over the man. In its purest form, It's, "All about you". The relationship should revolve around your wants, needs and desires. Not that you should ignore his needs, not at all. Your needs are put first. You will get to his needs when you want to. Not when he wants to.


    Most men that we date have one thing on their mind, sex. Many of the men we are intimate with don't last very long in beg. I have a saying, "You could look at most guys cross eyed and they will blow their load". Vulgar but true. I boggles my mind that each and every woman I have ever known tells me how their husbands don't last long after penetration. Then he rolls over and falls asleep. I experienced this with every man I had ever slept with. Even submissive men.


    In a FLR sex is not the goal. In a traditional vanilla relationship men seem to have sex on the brain 24/7, 365. Correct me if I am wrong but they pursue us relentlessly to have sex. It's always when and where they want it. They beg, they manipulate, they plead. They want it in the car, in the yard, in the bathroom and oh my God every morning when they wake up with morning wood. Am I, right?


    Now I know there are those of you ladies who like sex just as much as your man and that's fine. But in a FLR You control the sex. The woman determines when, where and IF sexual intercourse is to take place. Many women in a FLR do need nor do they want intercourse so it's just not permitted. Many submissive men are also locked into chastity so they can't masturbate.


    In its purest form, it's an erotic power exchange between a man and a woman. I say an erotic power exchange because there is usually some form of eroticism and arousal involved with one or both partners participating. In my experience, it's usually the man


    who gets a great deal of sexual satisfaction from an arrangement like this. One submissive man I was in relations with liked to be bossed around and teased to such an extent that he would be perpetually, physically aroused. He was satisfied with that and only that. We never had intercourse. He was permitted to pleasure himself but only when I gave him permission.


    A FLR is voluntary.  The man willingly volunteers to surrender control to the woman and he gets a great deal of mental and sexual satisfaction from surrendering. The woman agrees to take control and she in turn gets satisfaction in a variety of ways including, sexual, domestic and financial satisfaction. I will discuss financial control in a later chapter.


    Does This Make You a Dominatrix?

    Based off of Merriam-Webster Dictionary a Dominatrix is,




    \- · na-tra-sez, -na- · trI-sez\

    1. : a woman who physically or psychologically dominates her partner in a sadomasochistic encounter; broadly : a dominating woman


    1. That being said, in most cases the "street definition" is
    2. : a woman who is PAID to physically or psychologically dominates her partner in a sadomasochistic encounter.
    3. Not a prostitute because sex is not, or at least shouldn't part of the encounter. No sexual penetration takes place.

    Most encounters with a Dominatrix charge anywhere from $150 to $500 per hour for a session with a client. Most sessions only last one to two hours at most. Some take place over a weekend but those are usually for male clients that are financially blessed. So, the activity of a dominatrix and her client are not contained within mutual relationship but they are traditionally safe, sane and consensual interactions.


    Her client is paying to have certain things done to him. Once the session ends the client goes home and communication doesn't take place between the two of them until the client contacts the Dominatrix for another session.


    Based off the second "definition", I claim that you, as a woman, are NOT a dominatrix. That title in and of itself is another way of categorizing and objectifying women. It cheapens what we as dominant women do in relationships. Not that a dominatrix is a cheap and tawdry profession, not at all. But I want to remove the idea from your mind that what you are thinking of participating in with your partner is cheap or that you are cheap for partaking in dominating your partner. My entire approach as a dominant woman is from a relationship perspective and everything is safe, sane and consensual. Both people in the relationship should agree on what is going to take place between the two of them.


    If you are new to this lifestyle and you are uncertain about how to approach it, you are probably like I was and you have an image in your mind what a dominant woman is and what she should look like. We have all heard of the Dominatrix who whips her high-


    profile clients in a dark cold dungeon somewhere in the deepest darkest parts of the city you live in. You begin to wince and turn away in disgust thinking you have to beat your partner and dress like some cheap hooker. That's all Hollywood. But wait! There is a completely different side of this lifestyle.


    All of this being said we all know each relationship that we embark on takes on its own identity. It grows, changes and evolves. You may get very turned on by dressing up as the leather clad whip wielding bitch. Trust me, if you do most the submissive man you are dominating will be extremely happy because most of them love that look. More than likely you and your partner will only role play on the weekends and a FLR will not the goal of your relationship, which is fine.


    What is Financial Femdom?

    Financial Femdom, also known as FINDOM, is where the woman in the FLR is taken care of financially. She has all of her expenses taken care of such as rent, car note, groceries and luxuries. She may still work but one of the roles of her submissive is to make she has a new car or new pair of shoes whenever she deems it necessary. The woman does not have sex with her submissive. He is relentlessly teased and denied then used to complete financial favors for the dominant woman.


    For example, I had a submissive who I treated like complete shit. I constantly teased and denied him. I did it in person, on the net and over the phone. He in turn bought and paid for all of my groceries, cloths and utilities. Keep in mind he had the income that would allow him to make the financial sacrifice to allow him to do this. You can't make your submissive who makes $12.50 an hour pay your rent or buy you a Mercedes. It's just not possible.


    Most couples do not do this to its fullest extent. Some women will just have the man pay for smaller items like manicures, pedicures, hair salon or a new pair of shoes.


    What A Female Led Relationship is NOT

    A Female Led Relationship is not a generic sociological role reversal. Many households in the 21st century now have women at the helm but it's more about the economy and lack of jobs than it is about the woman replacing the man as the head of the household. There is no erotic power exchange in this situation. Many women are making more money than men. Many men are unable to find the type of full time employment that they once could. There is nothing erotic about these relationships and if the man could he would find permanent full-time work. This is not usually a voluntary condition.


    Often times both the man and the woman work in careers outside of their relationship. The fantasy that you read about where the women does not work and only the man does is not fiction but it's not the norm. There are many erotic tales of the woman sitting at home while the man works and comes home and turns over the paycheck to the dominant woman in the FLR. Yes, that does happen but not often. It happens in vanilla relationships too but even in vanilla relationships it is not the norm.


    What' s In It for You?

    What's in it for you? That's a great question and a question you should think of before you being a female lead relationship and keep asking once you are in the relationship.


    The one thing that you will experience is satisfaction. Yes, satisfaction. Not just in the bedroom but outside of the bedroom too. If you have a truly submissive male, he will put you first in all that he does. While it's not a guarantee it's pretty a given most of the time. I say most of the time because I don't want to give you a "Hollywood" image in your mind about what you will experience. Each of us, men and women have moods, family commitments and have to work so, the idea that he is going to put you first 24/7 365 is not realistic or practical. But he will be far more attentive than your traditional non-submissive male.


    A sexually submissive male should put you first in the bedroom each and every time. He will live to bring you to orgasm. He will not hesitate to service you orally. If you decide to roll over and go to sleep without him being serviced, he should be happy with that. I say should because every submissive is different but you should be able to deny them orgasm without them complaining about denying them so you can cuddle after you have been pleased.


    As we know, not all men like to perform orally. Not all submissive men do either. Most men need to be trained to service a woman correctly. So, you will have to train him how you want to be serviced and you may have to reprogram him in order to get him to at least device you without any push back.


    You will also have more time on your hands if you have a service or domesticated submissive who inherits your daily chores such as housework, cooking and grocery shopping.


    Are You Dominant?

    I know you're asking yourself, "Am I a dominant woman?", "Am I capable of doing this?". As I had discussed previously, not all women are or can be dominant. Most of us are raised from an early age to be submissive to men. Those who are have a very hard time breaking away from that social programming and will always gravitate towards the stereotypical big hunk of a man who rides motorcycles, drinks beer and eats nails and glass for breakfast. If that's you then forget it. You won't find any satisfaction in this lifestyle. You may like it if you are just going to roll play in the bedroom but as a lifestyle you'll always crave to be in the arms of a big strong man who will protect you and put you in your place if needed.


    If you are a truly dominant woman you already know it because you keep bumping  heads with your boyfriends. Each of you are vying for power and constantly getting into arguments. You may have had ex's and friends tell you you're hard headed and controlling. Some may call you a bitch. While being a bitch in a traditional relationship has negative connotations, in a Female Led Relationship it's considered to be a title to be proud of. Many submissive men are attracted to a bitch. You have friends who are married to a woman that you think is a bitch and you wonder why he stays with her.

    Right? Well, maybe he likes a controlling bitch who bosses him around.


    While you don't have to be a bitch to be dominant it can help. However, intelligence and confidence will get you farther than bitchiness. If you are secure and have confidence in yourself, you have two of the necessary ingredients to be the leader in a Female Led Relationship. Confidence will also attract a submissive male to you. Many submissive men are attracted to confidence and intelligence. Bitchiness can be like nails on a chalk board to many men, submissive or not.


    Ask yourself these questions:

    Do you like to be in charge?

    Do you like people doing what you tell them to do?

    Do you get satisfaction when a task that you have given someone is completed and done well?

    Do you enjoy organizing someone's day and giving them "to do" lists? Does enforcing rules seem to come to you effortlessly?

    Do you wish to be pampered on a regular basis?

    Are you tired of it always being about him, his wants, his needs, his career? Are you tired of not being satisfied sexually, emotionally and socially in your relationships?


    Why do I ask these questions? Because they are the basic building blocks of being the dominant woman in a Female Led Relationship.



    Some women I have spoken with who have been in a FLR have said it's too much like baby-sitting.

    Well, if you enjoy being in charge and answers yes to at least four of the above questions then it's not going to be a monotonous task to control your partner. If you answer no to most of the questions, then you are not dominant. You may be able to change but I  would suggest just role playing as a dominant woman.


    I say this because many submissive men want to be completely controlled. They will forfeit everything and ask you to take over. I had a sub who did that with me. I changed his diet, the way he dressed and got him to join a gym and get into shape. Her offered his bank accounts to me to control but I declined. Some women will control the money.

    However, I had no problem with the other items because I am a control freak. There is no "typical" dominant woman but most do have the following traits:


    Common Traits of a Dominant Woman


    They Have Confidence and A Lot of It.

    Submissive men are very attracted to confident women. If you are confident you probably have had more than your share of submissive men pursue you for a relationship.


    They Are Highly Intelligent

    Intelligence seems to go hand in hand with both a dominant woman and submissive man. Studies have shown that people of both persuasion have a higher IQ's than most. Submissive men once again are very drawn to intelligent women.


    They Are Very Creative.

    May dominant women of creative types. They enjoy the arts and many are artists in some way shape or form on the side. Creativity is very important in a FLR relationship especially when it comes to keeping your submissive on his toes, thinking of punishments and rewards.


    They Have a High Sex Drive.

    Many dominant women have a high sex drive. While a FLR is not about sex, sex in some way shape or form is a part of a FLR.


    Some DO NOT Have a High Sex Drive

    There are women who do not have a high sex drive and wish to control the frequency at which they have sex or are pursued for sex. So, they will embark on a FLR so they can say when and where and IF sex takes place.


    Many Have Sadistic Tendencies.

    You know who you are. The women who makes out with her boyfriend on the couch after a date, gets him all worked up him letting him think tonight's the night he's going   to get lucky. Just as he thinks you're going to take him to your bedroom you tell him you have to get up early and he has to go. You know you get a sick twisted thrill out of control like that.


    Are There a Lot of Dominant Women?

    Are there a lot of dominant women and are there a lot of people participating in this kind of relationship?

    Yes and no. While I am not a sociologist or a statistician I would say, more people are doing this than ever before. I am basing this off of all the books, movies and erotic literature in stores and on the net. That being said, there are far more submissive men on the market than there are dominant women. I know this from personal experience and


    also from talking to other dominant woman who have had profiles on BDSM dating  sites. I opened a personal ad on Collarspace.com and in the first hour I had 100 allegedly submissive men ask to submit to me. I had no idea that there were so many men into this. They were like piranha. Try it. Place a personals ad on one of the BDSM dating sites and see how many men respond to you in the first hour. It's amazing.


    The good thing is that since there are so many submissive men you can pick and choose who you choose as a submissive. This gives you more control once you have a submissive because all you have to do is remind him how hard it was to find you. If he doesn't like how you're dominating him he's more than welcome to find another mistress. This will put him in his place and shut him up at least temporarily.


    Should You Be Turned On?

    While you may enjoy being in control and micro managing that does not mean it's going to turn you on sexually.

    Your submissive will more than likely be aroused but you more than likely will not. For me, it's more of a mental turn on to give my man a list of rules that he has to follow and to see him do it without question. It's satisfying to sit and drink a glass of wine while I watch T.V. knowing he is completing a task just for me. It's sexy to see him scamper around in an attempt to please me with the hope of some reward which I will get into later. Something like this doesn't happen over-night but it does happen with persistence and training.





    Common Traits of a Submissive Male


    What Is a Submissive Male?

    I have read several books on the topic of a female led relationship and they all seem to approach the topic from an erotic point of view as opposed to a practical one. Most don't discuss what and who a submissive male is and what he is seeking.


    First and foremost a submissive man is not a wimp as depicted in adult movies or photographs. A submissive man finds sanctuary and comfort in letting go and letting a woman take charge. Some men only sexually submit in the bedroom while others submit in the bedroom and outside of the bedroom. For instance, I had a submissive who did all the housework, grocery shopping, laundry etc. and he serviced me orally.


    A truly submissive man is someone who genuinely does not feel comfortable making decisions or being in control. Even though some, not all but some have positions of authority in the working world, they feel extremely uncomfortable telling someone what to do or being in charge. One submissive I owned was a director of a department for a large company and he hated every moment of it. He made a handsome salary but every time he had to make decisions regarding changes to staffing, procedures, running meetings or meeting individually with one of his employees he would have an anxiety attack in the men's room.


    I don't have the authority to go into the psychological make up of a submissive man or a dominant woman. Some submissive men were abused as children by parents or siblings. Some were bullied by kids in school Some had domineering mothers who belittled their fathers. It's just an educated guess and I can only speak for the men that I have known but their need to be dominated seems a deep-seated issue that is woven into the very fabric of their being. It's not just some erotic thing that they discovered in a pornographic movie. Pornography may have been the spark that started the fire but the fuel was already lurking beneath the surface.


    A real submissive male is polite, courteous and usually will yield to you during a conversation.

    Many of them will wait to let you speak or ask permission to speak. Many are waiting for you to take charge. They will not initiate conversation at first. So, you will be sitting there wondering why this guy is so quiet. Many of these men have been trained to allow the women to speak first so, they sit waiting for cues as to when they can talk. Not all polite and chivalrous men are submissive. They are just polite and chivalrous. So, don't corner some guy in your office who held a door open for you and helped you off with


    your coat and tell him to lick your snow-covered boots. That will just get you fired.



    What A Submissive Male Is Not

    First let me say this, if you are considering getting involved in a female led relationship with a submissive man and he is truly submissive, this will be one of the easiest and most fulfilling relationships you will ever have. No, it's not always easy but it's easy from the perspective that you will not have the struggles you once had with a traditional non-submissive man. There won't be the arguments about trivial things such as what to watch on T.V., where to go to dinner or what movie to go and see. If you have trained your submissive, he will go and do what he is told to go and do. I am not exaggerating.


    It's not like in the movies where, behind closed doors, you're some whip wielding bitch barking orders at your boyfriend or husband. It can be but practicality comes into play. Are you really going to want to come home from a long day at the office and have to put on leather pants, thigh high boots and a leather corset when all you want to do is put on some sweat pants, a tee-shirt and sit and vegetate in front of the T.V.? No. Absolutely not. So, put that idea out of your head. If you meet a submissive and that's all he wants tell him you're not the woman for him. He's better off investing his time and money in the services of a professional Dominatrix.


    A submissive male is not a punching bag. Many women will misuse power and authority of having the title of  Dominant Female to abuse her partner. One woman I know beat her submissive husband every day she had a bad day at work. She took her frustration out on him because she couldn't take it out on her boss. This is abuse. Her submissive was a masochist but when your intentions to inflict pain is impure and you are just hurting someone for the sake of hurting someone it changes the dynamic of the relationship. There is a grey area here but the idea is to make sure everything you do is safe, sane and consensual.


    He is not a deviant axe-wielding, leather hooded, blood thirsty murderer as depicted in Hollywood movies.

    I swear if I see another movie that depicts guys that are into BDSM as sexually psychotic, leather clad murderers I will scream. Don't get me wrong, there is an element within our society that does participate those psychotic acts but I am referring to men who are into this as part of a safe, sane consensual relationship.


    Not all submissive men are into whips and chains. He is not a punching bag.

    He is not an ATM machine.


    He is not a pervert.


    He is not your science experiment.


    He is not a wimp.

    There is a preconceived notion that submissive men are wimps or that they are skinny, frail, weaklings who can't stand up to anyone. This is absolutely, positively not true. All of the men I have encountered.

    You do not have to dress him up like a sissy. They are also highly confident and know beyond a shadow of a doubt who they are especially when it comes to submitting to their woman.


    You do not have to dress like a man. There does not have to be into bondage.

    You do not have to dress up as a whip wielding dominatrix. There does not have to be pain.

    There does not have to be humiliation.


    He Gets His Pleasure From Serving

    A truly submissive man gets his pleasure from serving, from being teased and denied. If he wants you to be in control he enjoys having you tell him what to do and when to do it. If he knows his place and he is sincere in his submission then you should be able to give him a list of tasks, a "Honey Do" list, to complete and he will complete his tasks without complaint or hesitation. Believe it or not several of my submissives became physically aroused when I gave them their Hone Do list. It's comical because in many cases that's  all you have to do to turn him on.


    Some submissive men like to be treated harshly. For instance, I my sub who I will call Robert. Robert loved it when I did not say please when I asked for something or thank you when he completed a task. My disregard for common courtesies seemed to put him into a trance. This trance is what is called "sub space" in the BDSM scene. I would say, "Get me a glass of wine." He would do as I had instructed and when he brought it to me I did not acknowledge his actions by saying, "Thank you." He loved it. The more I disregarded him the deeper he would go into trance like state known as sub-space.


    He is Chivalrous

    Most submissive men are chivalrous. Man were raised by their parents to be chivalrous towards women. Others learned it later in life either by societal means or through training they have received in FLR relationships.




    He Is Highly Intelligent and Creative

    Just like the dominant woman, the submissive male is highly intelligent. Most have acquired some form of college education and hold white collar professional jobs. They crave the company of a highly intelligent person who can understand them as men and as a submissive.


    He May Have Masochistic Tendencies.

    Many submissive men are masochists. They are not masochists in the purest sense but in the sexual sense. They don't enjoy accidentally slamming their thumb in the car door or spraining their ankle, they derive their pleasure from suffering for his Mistress in some way shape or form. For many it's in the form of being punished with corporal  punishment by being beaten with belts, whips or paddles. For others, they like to slapped in the face. Again, this isn't all submissive men but quite a few I have run across are into pain.


    Your Needs Should Be Put First

    Let's assume you have found someone and the two of you have agreed to embark upon a FLR. Here are a few things to take into consideration when in a FLR with a submissive male.


    Decided what your needs as a woman are long before you start thinking about his. That's the whole point of a relationship like this. Determine how he is going to enhance your life. Don't let him determine this.


    Any mundane task that you don't like to do assign those tasks to your submissive partner.

    Tasks such as house work, grocery shopping and getting gas in the car for me are a huge waste of time and messy. If you are the same way these tasks get assigned to your new submissive companion.


    In previous relationships, you may feel that you were never satisfied in the bedroom. So, it is your submissives duty to put you first in the bedroom and make sure your needs are taken care of. You then decide if, when and how he is satisfied. Many of us after having an orgasm want to cuddle. So, after he has serviced you, you cuddle. Most truly submissive men will not complain about this.


    Do you work at a job where you are on your feet all day? Have your submissive rub your feet and legs when you get home. Most submissives have foot fetishes and will love doing this for you.


    Do you like a full body rub before you fall asleep? Have your submissive give you a full body rub until you are in a deep sleep. When he is done, he is dismissed.


    Do you hate driving? Your submissive becomes your chauffeur. Of course, that entirely depends on each of your schedules. I had a live in submissive and we worked in the same office so he drove me to and from work each day.



    Each woman in a FLR establishes protocol for her submissive to follow. These are an established set of formal rules and procedures that he has to follow on a daily basis. Do you have to have protocol? No. But I would highly recommend having him at the very least follow some behind closed doors.


    Protocol is important because it establishes through actions the hierarchy that the two of you have agreed upon. It puts your submissive in a mindset to submit. It's similar to being in the military where the corporal addresses his commanding officer as sir. In a FLR, it's a constant reminder to the submissive who is in charge and who is not. For instance, you will want to have your submissive address you with an authoritative title such as Mistress or Goddess.


    I realize that Mistress sounds cheap or corny to some of you ladies so you can give yourself a title that makes you comfortable. You can just have him address you as Miss or ma'am. Some of you younger ladies will not like ma'am because you think it implies you are "old". Either way, give yourself a title and make sure he addresses you with that title.


    If you're not comfortable having him call you Mistress in public just have him call you by your first name. This creates a sense that he has to address you as a superior. If your name is Barbara and you're at the movies and he is buying popcorn have him say, "Excuse me, Barbara, would you like butter on your popcorn?" It may seem awkward to the casual onlooker but it implies to the outside world that there is a non-intimate association and distance between the two of you and at the same time it puts in his mind that you are above him. Trust me, it works. Unless you don't care what people think and in that case, have him call you Mistress and see how uncomfortable he gets when people turn their heads to look at him.


    Other protocols you can put into play are:



    General Protocol

    Speak only when spoken to.

    Don't allow him to look you in the eye. He must walk behind you in public.

    Give him speech restrictions such as, not allowing him to swear.


    Public Protocol

    Being in public and having protocol can be like walking a tight rope especially if you are a very private couple and don't want the world to know that you are in a FLR.



    You can have "casual" public protocol that will make it look like you are just a regular couple out having fun and only the two of you will know that he is following strict guidelines.


    Tell him what he is going to wear before the two of you go out for the evening. He is to be within arms-reach at all times when the two of you are together When he is standing, he is to stand with his arms behind him.

    He must maintain his focus on you at all times so you do not have to overexert yourself to gain his attention.


    When out to dinner you order his food for him. You begin eating before he does.


    Have him wear satin panties under his clothes, Only the two of you will know.



    Behind Closed Doors Protocol


    When you are in private things can completely change. The entire dynamic of a FLR can become more intense and you can be more creative.


    For instance, once he enters the home instruct him that he is to immediately undress, fold his cloths and kneel by the door and not move until you have instructed him to or you come to retrieve him.


    In this lifestyle dog collars are power way of symbolizing and ownership of your submissive. So many dominants have their submissive wear a dog collar. Others use body modification such as piercing as the symbol. I had a submissive who I took to a piercing parlor. We had his nipples pierced as a sign of his collaring ceremony. But if you just decide to use a dog collar, he is to wear his collar at all time other than bathing


    He is not allowed to sit on the furniture. He can only sit on the floor or an ottoman. He is not to sleep with you in bed unless he is wearing his chastity device.

    He must sit while peeing.


    He is not permitted to masturbate or touch himself unless he is bathing.


    He can speak only when spoken to.





    Punishments and Rewards

    I know, I know. Punishment sounds so harsh. So, mean and even barbaric. But let me remind you once again we are not dealing with your traditional male. Most of the submissive men you will meet will want to be punished and rewarded. They live for it. If someone outside of the FLR saw you bending your husband over your knee and  spanking him with the bottom of your shoe they would think you had lost your mind. But between the two of you in an FLR it's an additional "spice" that keeps things interesting. He loves it and it for you it makes sure he is reminded of the consequences for not following through with a task or obeying an order. It reminds him of who's in charge.


    A punishment does not have to be painful. Many submissive enjoy pain so a whipping or spanking is only making them happy. Your submissive can be punished simply by denying him the pleasure of seeing you. If your submissive has disobeyed, you in some way shape or form and you don't live together simply tell him you need your space and that he is not to contact you for several days. You will see him drop to his knees and beg for forgiveness but don't give in. Send him home and block his number from your  phone. Something as simple as that gets your point across loud and clear.  He will also  be far more obedient if you use a tactic like this.


    A Punishment Can Be:


    Spanking-can be administered with your hand, a belt or a whip.


    Face slap- a solid slap to the face always brings a submissive back to his senses.


    Corner time - placing your sub in the corner as if he is a child.


    Denial- Take away something he loves. An outfit you wear. His orgasms. Being allowed to talk. Being allowed to see you.


    Humiliation - This can come in a variety of forms from making him dance naked like a stripper to making bark like a dog for his orgasms. It can get more complex but you get the idea.


    What Is Sub Space?

    Sub space is a deep, dreamy mental state that your submissive partner will enter when they are highly aroused because of an action that you are performing or a task that he is completing. He will go into what looks like a trance, as if he has been hypnotized. His voice will become quiet and even monotone. He will become extremely compliant in this state and you must be careful to not push him too far while he is like this because if he is really into deep sub-space he will literally do anything you tell him to no matter how painful, humiliating or ridiculous.


    Likes, Dislikes and Hard Limits

    Respect Dislikes and Limits

    After you have established a relationship with a submissive you must find out what his likes, dislikes and hard limits are.


    Likes are the things that he like to have done to him or things he wishes to do to you. Dislikes are those things that he does not like but you can still try with him to test the waters.

    Hard limits are those things that he will absolutely not do under any circumstances whatsoever.


    It's important to make sure you both of you establish boundaries and guidelines. You as a mistress can have likes, dislikes and hard limits too. Think of things that you like done to you or things you want to do to him. Think of things that you know you will not do under any circumstance.


    Some submissive likes are bondage, humiliation, oral servitude, pain etc. He wants and needs these things on a regular basis or as often as he can get them.


    Dislikes may be public humiliation, cross dressing and anal play. You can have him cross dress and see how it goes or you can use this as a punishment for an infraction he has committed. Getting him to admit his dislikes gives you more control down the road when you are determining an appropriate punishment.


    Hard Limits are things that the two of you will not do while he is submissive to you. If he says pain is a hard limit then you will not whip, slap, beat or pinch him. You will not inflict pain at all. Often times when you test his hard limits it can cause serious psychological or emotion grief often ending the relationship and causing irrepribribal damage to your partner or both of you.


    I have a girlfriend who attempted to test her subs hard limit for needles. She was a nurse and brought home several syringes from the hospital she worked in. One night she brought them out while her sub was tied to her bed. She placed them on the night stand and told him she was going to test his limits. He proceeded to faint and she couldn't wake him for several minutes. She untied him from the bed and when he came out of it he got dressed and left without saying goodbye. She never saw him again. When you test someone's hard limits you are violating their trust in you and the trust between the two of you. I told her I would have walked out too.


    Safe words

    Once you have established his likes and dislikes and you know you are going to administer punishments in some way shape or form you should agree upon a safe word. A safe word is a word or phrase that your submissive says verbally that tells you to stop what-ever it is you are doing.

    The word or phrase needs to be something that breaks the mood and is out of the ordinary so you know to stop and pay attention to your submissive's safety.

    Some use colors.

    "Blue" indicating that you need to slow down and "Red" for completely stop.


    I had a sub who used the word "watermelon". Whenever he said "watermelon" I stopped what I was doing.

    Another submissive I had loved to be given a humiliating safe word. Whenever he wanted me to stop he had to oink like a pig. This made him think twice before he used it and humiliated him at the same time. It also made both of us laugh which definitely made me stop what I was doing.


    What is Erotic Power?

    Erotic power is you gain control by controlling the man's sexual desires as well as using his desires and sometimes fetishes against him. Often times, his fetishes and sexual desires can be used against him so he has no choice but to focus on you and your needs. This is often accomplished threw a reward and punishment system.


    For instance, I had a submissive with a massive leather fetish. He would literally do anything for me if I was wearing my black leather pants and spike heeled boots. The minute he saw me wearing that outfit he would become extremely quiet, bow his head and drop to his knees. No joke. This man would drop to his knees and say, "How may I server you today?" The first time I saw this I was shocked. Not in a bad way but at first I really didn't know how to respond. I soon realized the amount of power I had just by wearing certain items of clothing. That's all I had to do to get whatever I wanted.


    Often I would make him complete tasks that he did not like to do like clan the bathrooms with the reward of seeing me in my leather pants and boots. Other times I would put a blind fold over his eyes make him earn the right to see me in a leather outfit by teasing him relentlessly and make him beg to see the outfit. While I teased him I always made him vow his undying submission to me and always made him say out loud who was in control and who was the center of his universe. He would say, "Mistress ***** is the center of my universe. Her leather pants are just a treat for me." Sometimes I would let him see me in my outfit and sometimes I wouldn't. It depended on the mood I was in at that time.


    I also used his leather fetish against him by making him wear a sexy outfit. I contacted a kinky clothing manufacturer from Germany on the internet and had them make him a skin tight black leather bondage jump suit and hood. The jump suit zipped up the back and the pull to the zipper locked at the top behind his neck. The leather hood had thousands of tiny holes all over it so, his face was completely concealed to me but he could see and breath through the hood. He looked like a big black leather bug. When I zipped him up and locked him into his suit he was completely and utterly compliant. He got so turned on from being confined in all the leather he became completely powerless and would do anything, no matter how ridiculous, I told him to do. Anything! I once made him crawl on his belly and push a basketball around the house with his nose. I went and worked on the computer while he crawled around like a goof.


    My point is, that fetishes can be a form of control. If you don't want to have to do a lot  of work and it gets monotonous dressing up, use his fetishes against him to get what you want. Make him do all the work. Make him dress up and see how he likes being objectified in leather pants, thigh high spike heeled boots and a corset. You wear your


    sweat pants and t-shirt and make him prance around to see what it's like to be objectified like a woman.


    I also bought him several leather G-strings he wore under his cloths at all times. This  was a constant reminder to him of the control I had over him even when I was not around. It's a reminder because when a man wears a G-string there isn't much to hold his private parts into place. As we know as women having a string up our ass crack isn't all that comfortable while sitting at a desk job or walking around.



    Chastity and Orgasm Control

    We all know what a man is like after he's had an orgasm. He's tired, inattentive and uninterested in you or anything other than going to sleep. You're left lying there dreaming of your vibrating egg.


    For this reason, I would highly suggest putting your submissive into chastity. Even if  you have met at "text book" submissive male he is still a male who thinks about one thing, sex. You can't control what he thinks about but you can make sure he is thinking about you and only of you by locking up his private parts. Yes, lock his private parts into chastity and you will have his undying love, devotion and attention for as long as you hold the key to his cage.


    Yes, there are chastity devices for men that they sell on line. There is the CB-6000 which is a small plastic cage that slips around the man's penis and testicles and locks into place with one of those small brass pad locks. It can be worn 24/7 365. It's easy to wear under clothing and he can pee while wearing it. It must be removed on a regular basis for cleaning purposes. There are other devices such as leather chastity shorts but they cannot be worn without an adult diaper if your submissive is at work or away from you for an extended period of time


    When you deny a man access to his private parts you have taken over his mind. Some studies say that men think of sex over 500 times an hour and up to 7,000 times each day. So, when you lock it up and deny him his focus is on you. Control his dick and you control his mind. You hold the key to his "manhood" and to his orgasms. Don't get me wrong, if he wants to self-stimulate himself in his chastity device and bring himself orgasm he can and will. It makes it extremely difficult but he can still do it. But if you have a man who is devoted to you he will not.


    After you have him locked up for several days without an orgasm he will follow you around like a puppy dog. No kidding. JUST like a puppy dog. You won't have to lift a finger to do anything. He will do whatever you want, whenever you want and how you want it done. He wants to impress you with serving you so you will unlock him from chastity and let him have an orgasm. DON'T! Keep him locked up for at least a week


    and he will eventually be groveling at your feet to be allowed to play with himself. This is a perfect place to make his say his mantra. What is a mantra you ask?


    Mantras are a good device to recondition or reprogram your submissive mind. It' not necessarily brain washing but a way to refocus to temporarily refocus his mind when he is being disrespectful, disobedient or questioning your authority or punishment.


    I often use mantras when my submissive is resisting a punishment that I am administering.  For instance, one of my submissives genuinely hates getting spanked  with a wooden paddle. It's not a dislike or a limit he just doesn't like it. When I administer his paddling, he will beg and plead without using his safe word. I will tell him to say his mantra instead of wining like a little bitch. His mantra is, "If Mistress is happy slave is happy." He will say it over and over until his paddling is complete. I have him use the same mantra when he is locked in chastity begging for release to play with himself. Sometimes I change it to, "Mistress is the center of my universe. My penis is not."


    Mantras are also good when used like a morning and an evening prayer. I will instruct my subs to stop whatever they are doing at different times of the day and have them repeat a mantra that I assign them. It usually a phrase that enforces wishing their mind that I am the center of their universe. For example, one mantra that I had a submissive recite was,


    Mistress***is the center of my world and my universe. She is my breath, my life and my love."

    This is usually recited twice a day. Once in the morning after waking up and once before he goes to bed. This will make sure their thoughts are on me when they wake up and when they go to sleep.


    Here are a couple of examples of mantras you can use" Mistress is the center of my universe.

    If Mistress is happy, slave is happy

    I live to make Mistresses life easier, happier and more satisfying.


    These are just suggestions. You can make it whatever you want it to be. It should reflect your relationship that you have with your submissive.






    Humiliation can come in many forms. I use it as a form of entertainment, as a form of punishment and a way to test his devotion to me. You can do it in private, with scene friendly acquaintances or in public.


    Most submissive will say they will do anything for you, anything at all. Well, if he says that to you anything it is damn it. You must still respect his hard limits of course. You can make him complete acts that make him look completely ridiculous to the two of you in private or in public front of strangers or scene-friendly associates.


    Private Humiliation

    You can make your submissive perform acts that make him uncomfortable.


    For example:

    Make him eat his food without the use of his hands. I have tried the stereotypical make him eat out of a dog bowl and it doesn't work. Most dog bowls aren't big enough for a human to stick their faces into them to eat. You can still do it but your giving your submissive an impossible task to complete and he will be unable to eat.


    For example:

    Get some silly music like polka music. My current submissive hates dancing. He abhors it. He's very self-conscious when it comes to dancing. So, as a form of punishment and humiliation I make him dance for me.

    I like to use The Chicken Dance Polka. I dress my submissive up in high heels, pink tu tu, bra and panties on him and blast The Chicken Dance Polka from my blue tooth speakers and make him dance.

    It's hilarious. He's so embarrassed that he gets red in the face. When the song is done, he gets extremely quiet and shy and will not speak for a while. I am usually laughing so hard I can't breathe which reinforces how ridiculous he feels. I tell you this, I have only had to do that twice to him and now he is very careful not to disobey me.


    Public Humiliation

    Public humiliation is an acquired taste. Some Mistresses don't want to be seen with their submssives while they are publicly humiliated. So, they will send them out dressed with a rubber pig nose on their face while they shop for Mistresses groceries.  Others enjoy the attention they get from publically humiliating their submissive and will tag along so they can see the publics and their submissives reaction.


    An easy one you can do in public that is not too over the top is to make him hold your purse while you are shopping.

    Yes, it's that simple. Men hate doing this. It's the funniest thing how just holding a purse will make a man so completely uncomfortable


    Personally, speaking I do not participate in public humiliation nor do I endorse it. Primarily for the reason that everyone and their mother has a camera now and whatever the two of you are doing in public could be broadcast on Facebook or YouTube. This could come back to haunt both of you. Especially if you work for a major corporation and someone at that company sees it online. It could end your career with that company or severely impact whatever status you have inside that company at that time.


    A Mistress friend of mine dressed her submissive up as an adult baby. She made him wear a pink bonnet, diaper with a binky in his mouth. She filmed him with her cell phone while he cried like a baby asking for his milk then put it on YouTube. People he worked with saw it and were passing it around the office. He was so humiliated, in a bad way, he was forced to resign. It was really bad for him.  She on the other hand wasn't in the   video so she didn't not suffer any of the consequences.





    Who You're Going to Meet

    When any of us, men or women attempt to have a relationship of any kind we are going to run into roadblocks. It's a given. The ex-wife who stalks your new boyfriend. The man who claimed he was single when he is still married. The guy who claims in his online profile that he is 6' 4" and all muscle only to show up at your lunch date and he's 5'5" and is wider than he is tall. Your list of roadblocks when seeking a FLR is going to increase because for the man it's driven primarily by "sex" which clouds thing him. So, here's a list of what to watch out for.



    Players are men who will profess their undying love and submission to you. They say they will do anything for you. They will beg and plead to be at your feet. But when you ask them to do something simple like pay for your manicure they run for the hills.

    The player just wants to get off or he is looking to get laid. He wants you to dress up and role play. He does not truly submissive

    Players are also men portraying themselves as submissive. These are guys who have never submitted to a woman and just have fantasies about it. So, they just want to act out their fantasies or act out things they have seen in pornographic movies.





    Fetishists are men who get sexually aroused by objects or situation that are not sexual. For instance, many submissive have a leather fetish. They get aroused by seeing you dressed in leather or they get turned on by wearing leather themselves. They will profess their undying submission to you if you wear your leather pants, corset and kinky spike heeled boots. But once you put the outfit on and let them pleasure themselves to completion, they revert back to just being a regular guy who no longer wants to submit. They literally or figuratively roll over and go to sleep. These men are not truly submissive. They derive their pleasure from some form of inanimate object that you wear or use to gratify them. So, all of the attention is on the submissive and not on you, the dominant woman.


    Penis Pic Guys

    There are a variety of adult web sites such as collarme.com and fetlife.com. These are basically kinky dating sites where people involved in this lifestyle can talk, exchange ideas and arrange to meet in person. Unfortunately, many of the men on these sites are Players and what I call penis pic guys. A penis pic guy will send you a picture of his private parts and tell you he wants to be your bitch. I don't know about the rest of you


    ladies but I have no desire to look at a pic of some stranger's penis, erect or flaccid. It does nothing for me and never has. It is also a HUGE red flag that the man not a submissive. He just wants to get laid. A truly submissive man knows that their penis is mostly irrelevant to you and will not send you a nude picture of themselves unless you request one.


    Severe Masochists

    You will meet a man who claims to be submissive but he just wants to be hurt and humiliated on a regular basis. If you are a man and you are reading this, the last thing we want to see or hear right of the bat, other than a penis pic, is that you want to be beat and treated like shit. It will be the first thing on their profile and it will be the first thing they blurt out of their mouth. Seriously, you will meet men who just want to be treated like crap by having you slap them, kick them in the balls or use their mouths as an ashtray or garbage can. Granted, if you meet someone like this, you may eventually incorporate some of these things into the relationship but it's not something someone brings

    up when you first meet. It's equivalent to a man announcing on your first date how much he loves blow jobs and he brings it up before the entre' is served.


    Desperate Horny Men

    You are going to run into more than your share of desperate men who are claim that they are submissive. They will offer themselves to you right off the bat. Keep in mind what you should be seeking is a relationship and any man who doesn't know you at all and offers themselves to you in his first any only correspondence with you is not what you are seeking. They are either game players or have been living in a fantasy world and now have decided that they want to experience their fantasies in reality. You are not a fantasy maker. You are not a prostitute and you are not to be used by some guy who is horny and wants you to help him get off.


    If you have correspondence with men that are desperate have nothing to do with them. They are trouble and are not better than your last boyfriend who demanded you service him orally just so he could get off and fall asleep.



    A Good Submissive Male

    A good and well trained submissive male will not start talking about his fetishes, sexual desires or how he wants to be your full-time slave. He will initiate conversation in a normal and polite manner. He should introduce himself and ask if you are interested in speaking with him. Not quite that formal but he should be polite. It should be at least somewhat of a normal conversation at first. Take control of the conversation by asking him about where he lives, what he does for a living and how big his family is. If he tries to steer the conversation back to fetishes, serving or sex that is a major red flag. A well trained submissive will ask about you, what your interests are, what you do for a living and what you do for fun. The kinky stuff will not be mentioned initially.





    This was meant to give you an honest and objective look at the FLR and this lifestyle. I hope it gave you a more realistic perspective as to what to expect and how to look at it.


    This is not for everyone but those of us that have lived this lifestyle in its purest form have found it to be one of the most if not THE most fulfilling relationships we have ever been in. I am speaking from the perspective of both the dominant and the submissive.


    I wanted to help you see that this lifestyle is about a relationship between two people. In its finest purest form, it creates a deep emotional bond between both people. That bond is often times a sexual one but more often it is a deep mental bond due to the sharing of trust as well as the submissive sacrificing himself for you physically, mentally and sexually.


    Don't just jump in a relationship like this with both feet. Learn about it. Read about it. Get in and "take it for a ride" and see how it feels.


    Remember, it's not about him. It's not about becoming a whip wielding leather clad  bitch. It's about establishing a relationship through trust and communication. In this relationship, you will eventually gain erotic control over a submissive male who will live to enhance your life. It's a relationship where you will be put first.